Monday, April 28, 2008
14 Months
So Kaylee and I have been together for 14 months on last Wednesday. YAY!!!! We've had our ups and downs but I'm in love with her so it doesn't matter what I do or what she does I'm always going to feel the same about her. What would I do without her is the real question. She's going to college next semester and wants me to move there with her. The only problem is that I don't have the money to move out on my own. My only hope is my brothers girlfriend to move with me. Oh well things always seem to work out for us so hopefully they will. Her birthday is coming up in Auguest and do I have a surprise for her. It's her 18th so I'm planing this huge party for her with a bunch of friends. Lets just hope that all works out. Now it's time to depart and go have band practice.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Things just get worse...
My dad was diagnosed with testicular cancer in December and until now I thought that they took care of it and it's gone. Lately he's been sleeping a lot. He goes to bed around 11 and wakes up around 630 but then I've noticed that he's been taking naps when he gets home from work. Long naps sometimes 2 or 3 hours. I know sleepiness is a side effect of his medication but not this much. I over heard my mom and him talking and it's aparently not normal and it's a lot worse than they led me to believe. He might not be around in a year or two. I'm really scared and the one person I turn to to talk and comfort me is Kaylee and she's dealing with her own problems. Tonight I didn't really want to talk about it so she didn't push me but then she had a fight with her mom about money and so she turned to me but I can't handle her stress and mine so I pushed her away. Now I'm starting to regret it. I'm getting to the point where I just want to disappear. I'm tired of hearing her problems and having to deal with mine when I can't help her. I can't do anything about her money problems or her mom. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not much of a talker when it comes to problems and then they get blown up at small things that shouldn't matter. Why can't life just be easy?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
5 months clean
Ok so I've been clean for about 5 months now. And after today I'm having that craving of getting out that last bottle and just taking 4 pills. But some reason I don't. I can't. I don't know what it is but I don't do it because of Kaylee. It's nothing that she says or does, just her. Once Kaylee had to litterally save my life. I took a lot of pills and cut my arms and was about to pass out and die. She came to my rescue. She made me stay away and made me throw up and just took care of me. I think the thought of her having to save my life is what knocked it into perspective for me. I don't do it because of her. Not for her. I don't want her to have to do it again. I don't want her to be alone at such a young age. I want to die with her when we're old and grey not young and still have our life in front of us. So I guess I don't do it because I know if I do that's it. There is no going back. I don't want to lose her. I love her too much to do anything so selfish. I love her.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Complaining
Ok so don't be suprised if I do this more than once a day. I'm going to be complaining in this one so if you don't want to hear it then leave.
Ok so my oldest brother Jonathan is almost 28 years old and still lives in my parents basement. He works part time at Stake and Shake and has been for about 5 years now. All money he gets goes to mountain dew and computers. His room smells like something died under his bed 3 years ago. He is I guess what most people would call a nerd. Living in a family of 6 is not easy. 5 people live at my house and we all work and we only have 3 cars, 2 of which are sticks. I drive one of the sticks and the other is my brother Chris' car and then my parents have a van. For the past year I've been having to put off my life and call in to work because Jonathan doesn't have a car to drive himself to work. Not too long ago my mom and I had a fight because I had to work a double 2 days in a row and I couldn't take her or Jonathan to work. I told her to learn how to drive a stick or get another car cause I'm done being everyone's taxi. She told me to deal with it or the car is going back to my uncle. The next day that car broke down anyway so I couldn't even drive it. My parents just bought a new car so I don't have to take my mom to work but Jonathan still doesn't have a car. My thought is "you're 28 years old, maybe if you stop spending money on computers and stupid shit then you could have your own car like your 20 year old younger sister and 22 year old younger brother." He is the laziest person I have ever met and that's pretty bad considering that I'm pretty lazy myself. He needs a life. He's smart enough that he could have a degree in computer sciences like my dad but nope he won't go to college.
Ok I'm done complaining about that for now.
Ok so my oldest brother Jonathan is almost 28 years old and still lives in my parents basement. He works part time at Stake and Shake and has been for about 5 years now. All money he gets goes to mountain dew and computers. His room smells like something died under his bed 3 years ago. He is I guess what most people would call a nerd. Living in a family of 6 is not easy. 5 people live at my house and we all work and we only have 3 cars, 2 of which are sticks. I drive one of the sticks and the other is my brother Chris' car and then my parents have a van. For the past year I've been having to put off my life and call in to work because Jonathan doesn't have a car to drive himself to work. Not too long ago my mom and I had a fight because I had to work a double 2 days in a row and I couldn't take her or Jonathan to work. I told her to learn how to drive a stick or get another car cause I'm done being everyone's taxi. She told me to deal with it or the car is going back to my uncle. The next day that car broke down anyway so I couldn't even drive it. My parents just bought a new car so I don't have to take my mom to work but Jonathan still doesn't have a car. My thought is "you're 28 years old, maybe if you stop spending money on computers and stupid shit then you could have your own car like your 20 year old younger sister and 22 year old younger brother." He is the laziest person I have ever met and that's pretty bad considering that I'm pretty lazy myself. He needs a life. He's smart enough that he could have a degree in computer sciences like my dad but nope he won't go to college.
Ok I'm done complaining about that for now.
Kaylee
Ok the biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. To help you kind of understand whats going on I'll give you a little bit of a background story.
My senior year in high school Kaylee was a sophomore and I took her under my wing. We became very close friends. In Feb 2007 we got together. We kept it from everyone until one day I left my myspace open on my mom's computer. She read all the emails that Kaylee and I talked to each other on. My mom and I had a fight and I went and lived with my brother Christopher's girlfriend Jessi for a few days. After that nothing was the same at my home. My parents didn't treat me the same. Certain topics were not discussed at the dinner table. In May of 2007 Kaylee's mom found out. She wasn't as "loving" as my parents were. Some say that she isn't abusive to Kaylee but I know other wise. Kaylee's mom didn't "approve" of me from the day she met me back in 2006. In about December of 2006 Kaylee was told that she wasn't allowed to see me and that I wasn't allowed over to the house. Of course Kaylee ignored her mom and would see me anyway. I would go over there when her mom wasn't home, which was a lot. One day in May 2007 we were at Kaylee's house watching a movie with our friend Mitch, when I recieved a phone call from my dad. "Jessica where are you? Get home now! Kaylee's mom just called the house and said she's going to charge you with rape. Get home now we need to talk." Hearing those words made my heart drop into my stomach. But then the next sound I heard made it worse. The garage door opened and Kaylee's mom's voice yelling at Kaylee gave me the lump in the throat and my heart almost stopped. I quickly hid in her closet/storage room in her basement bedroom. A few minuets later Kaylee's mom came downstairs into that room. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. And for the first time in my life I was afraid for my life and the life of my girlfriend. After a lot of yelling we were outside. I was on the street and they were in the driveway/garage fighting. You see Kaylee is in Tae Kwon Do so she knows how to defend herself. I saw her mom start to grab her and getting ready to hit her. Without thinking my first instinct was to run and save her, but I tripped and fell and didn't make it to her. By the time I got up Kaylee's mom was back inside. I started walking down the street and Kaylee ran after me. I'm not quite sure how I got there but I ended up at a friends house with Jessi . Kaylee was taken to Juvie and questioned. My parents called me about an hour after it happened and told me that the cops were at my house and if I don't come home then there's going to be a warrent out on me. I go home to find 2 cops talking to my dad. They had nothing good to say. Kaylee's mom was pressing charges for battery, trespassing, and a restraining order. The rest of the day is very blurry and I try not to remember what happened. That week I got in touch with a really good criminal lawyer. He went to court for me, he spoke for me. About 2 weeks after everything happened I had a court date for the battery charge. She didn't show up so it was dropped. The next few months my lawyer went to court for me trying to drop everything else. In October 2007 he calls me and tells me that the restraining order and battery charges were dropped but the trespassing stuck. I've been on diversion since November 2007. Trespassing is one of those felonies that people are ashamed that they were caught doing it. The only reason it stuck was because they didn't have anything else. Because Kaylee was 17 and gave me permission to be in the house makes it ok but because she is still a minor living under her mom's roof her mom has over-all say in the matter. So since then Kaylee and I have been seeing each other in secret. For the past year she hasn't come to my house and I haven't gone to hers. Our relationship exicest over texting, late night phone calls, the few hours we see each other at work, and the few hours spent in the car in a parking lot. Kaylee is graduating this year and she's having a graduation party. Something that caught me by surprise is that her mom asked if I wanted to go. I don't know what I should do. My diversion says that I can't go to her house or see her mom. But if she invites me does that make it ok? Is she trying to get me in trouble or is she finally accepting that her daughter is gay and that's what makes her happy? If it's at her house I'm not going but if they have it in a park then maybe....I don't know.
I'm really close to my 22 year old brother Christopher and talking to him about it he says that I should wait until I get the invitation in the mail and then call up my diversion officer and ask. If he says no then that's it but if he says yes then the rest is my decision.
Should I stay or should I go?
My senior year in high school Kaylee was a sophomore and I took her under my wing. We became very close friends. In Feb 2007 we got together. We kept it from everyone until one day I left my myspace open on my mom's computer. She read all the emails that Kaylee and I talked to each other on. My mom and I had a fight and I went and lived with my brother Christopher's girlfriend Jessi for a few days. After that nothing was the same at my home. My parents didn't treat me the same. Certain topics were not discussed at the dinner table. In May of 2007 Kaylee's mom found out. She wasn't as "loving" as my parents were. Some say that she isn't abusive to Kaylee but I know other wise. Kaylee's mom didn't "approve" of me from the day she met me back in 2006. In about December of 2006 Kaylee was told that she wasn't allowed to see me and that I wasn't allowed over to the house. Of course Kaylee ignored her mom and would see me anyway. I would go over there when her mom wasn't home, which was a lot. One day in May 2007 we were at Kaylee's house watching a movie with our friend Mitch, when I recieved a phone call from my dad. "Jessica where are you? Get home now! Kaylee's mom just called the house and said she's going to charge you with rape. Get home now we need to talk." Hearing those words made my heart drop into my stomach. But then the next sound I heard made it worse. The garage door opened and Kaylee's mom's voice yelling at Kaylee gave me the lump in the throat and my heart almost stopped. I quickly hid in her closet/storage room in her basement bedroom. A few minuets later Kaylee's mom came downstairs into that room. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. And for the first time in my life I was afraid for my life and the life of my girlfriend. After a lot of yelling we were outside. I was on the street and they were in the driveway/garage fighting. You see Kaylee is in Tae Kwon Do so she knows how to defend herself. I saw her mom start to grab her and getting ready to hit her. Without thinking my first instinct was to run and save her, but I tripped and fell and didn't make it to her. By the time I got up Kaylee's mom was back inside. I started walking down the street and Kaylee ran after me. I'm not quite sure how I got there but I ended up at a friends house with Jessi . Kaylee was taken to Juvie and questioned. My parents called me about an hour after it happened and told me that the cops were at my house and if I don't come home then there's going to be a warrent out on me. I go home to find 2 cops talking to my dad. They had nothing good to say. Kaylee's mom was pressing charges for battery, trespassing, and a restraining order. The rest of the day is very blurry and I try not to remember what happened. That week I got in touch with a really good criminal lawyer. He went to court for me, he spoke for me. About 2 weeks after everything happened I had a court date for the battery charge. She didn't show up so it was dropped. The next few months my lawyer went to court for me trying to drop everything else. In October 2007 he calls me and tells me that the restraining order and battery charges were dropped but the trespassing stuck. I've been on diversion since November 2007. Trespassing is one of those felonies that people are ashamed that they were caught doing it. The only reason it stuck was because they didn't have anything else. Because Kaylee was 17 and gave me permission to be in the house makes it ok but because she is still a minor living under her mom's roof her mom has over-all say in the matter. So since then Kaylee and I have been seeing each other in secret. For the past year she hasn't come to my house and I haven't gone to hers. Our relationship exicest over texting, late night phone calls, the few hours we see each other at work, and the few hours spent in the car in a parking lot. Kaylee is graduating this year and she's having a graduation party. Something that caught me by surprise is that her mom asked if I wanted to go. I don't know what I should do. My diversion says that I can't go to her house or see her mom. But if she invites me does that make it ok? Is she trying to get me in trouble or is she finally accepting that her daughter is gay and that's what makes her happy? If it's at her house I'm not going but if they have it in a park then maybe....I don't know.
I'm really close to my 22 year old brother Christopher and talking to him about it he says that I should wait until I get the invitation in the mail and then call up my diversion officer and ask. If he says no then that's it but if he says yes then the rest is my decision.
Should I stay or should I go?
Thursday, April 17, 2008
First Time
Alright so I've never really done this before. Other than facebook or myspace I don't really do this sort of thing.....but here we go.
I guess I should tell you about myself. Well I just turned 20 about a month ago. I live in Kansas....and no not in the middle of nowhere Kansas. I live about 20 mins outside of Kansas City. In fact I live in Johnson County Kansas which is one of the richest counties in America...it's like number 3 or 5. Well I live with my parents and 2 of my brothers. I am the youngest of 4 and the only girl...that is until my second older brother, Benjamin got married in June of 2006.
Well I'm 20 so you would assume that I would be a junior in college right. Well actually the only person to go to college in my family was my dad. My brother Benjamin is taking a few classes but because of work he doesn't really have time for it so that just leaves my dad to be the only college graduate in my family of 6. I did apply to several colleges and was turned down due to low test scores and a low gpa when I graduated in 2006. My plan was to go this fall and get a degree in business but that doesn't look like it's gonna happen anytime soon.
Religion is kinda a big deal in my family. Well it was when I was growing up. I was raised Mormon and baptized Mormon however I haven't been to church in about 4 years. I still believe the same things but I don't really practice the standards. I stopped going when I was 16. I wasn't really popular in school or anything. I really was kind of a wall flower in jr. high and starting high school. And at church I was still kind of the weird kid. By the time I was 16 I understood that I wasn't a "normal" Mormon. I started to go less and less to church and then eventually stopped. My parents were a little mad and told me that if I didn't go to church that I would be grounded for the week. So I started going with my brother Ben and his fiance at the time. After about a month of that I stopped going all together and my parents realized that they couldn't do much about it.
I guess the most important thing about me is how I feel towards men and women. About 2 years ago I met this girl who was like a little sister to me. I taught her everything I knew and kind of took her under my wing my senior year in high school. At the time I was dating a guy that I worked with but I started to realized different feelings I had towards both of them. I would tell myself that it was nothing and that I just needed to ignore it. After a few months those feelings didn't go away and they just grew stronger. I started to have feelings for Kaylee that I have never felt with any guy that I dated. I guess the way to describe me is bisexual. I have been dating Kaylee for 1 year and 2 months. I love her. I don't know if it's wrong or right. I don't know what other people think about it. I don't know how my parents will react when I tell them that I'm spending the rest of my life with her. I don't know if they will ever accept me again or love me the way that they use to. But the one thing that I do know and that gets me through every day no matter what is knowing that I have found the love of my life. That I love her more than life and that she loves me too. If you find true love don't take it for granted. Live life to the fullest . Don't waste a day wondering if you can make it in this life. I have Kaylee and I love her and if someone thinks it's wrong just because we're the same sex then they don't know what love is. It shouldn't matter who you love or what they are or what they look like or what they believe the fact that you found love in this world is a miracle and you shouldn't waste it.
Well this is getting pretty long and I'm gonna need something to talk about next time I'll just leave you with that for now.
I guess I should tell you about myself. Well I just turned 20 about a month ago. I live in Kansas....and no not in the middle of nowhere Kansas. I live about 20 mins outside of Kansas City. In fact I live in Johnson County Kansas which is one of the richest counties in America...it's like number 3 or 5. Well I live with my parents and 2 of my brothers. I am the youngest of 4 and the only girl...that is until my second older brother, Benjamin got married in June of 2006.
Well I'm 20 so you would assume that I would be a junior in college right. Well actually the only person to go to college in my family was my dad. My brother Benjamin is taking a few classes but because of work he doesn't really have time for it so that just leaves my dad to be the only college graduate in my family of 6. I did apply to several colleges and was turned down due to low test scores and a low gpa when I graduated in 2006. My plan was to go this fall and get a degree in business but that doesn't look like it's gonna happen anytime soon.
Religion is kinda a big deal in my family. Well it was when I was growing up. I was raised Mormon and baptized Mormon however I haven't been to church in about 4 years. I still believe the same things but I don't really practice the standards. I stopped going when I was 16. I wasn't really popular in school or anything. I really was kind of a wall flower in jr. high and starting high school. And at church I was still kind of the weird kid. By the time I was 16 I understood that I wasn't a "normal" Mormon. I started to go less and less to church and then eventually stopped. My parents were a little mad and told me that if I didn't go to church that I would be grounded for the week. So I started going with my brother Ben and his fiance at the time. After about a month of that I stopped going all together and my parents realized that they couldn't do much about it.
I guess the most important thing about me is how I feel towards men and women. About 2 years ago I met this girl who was like a little sister to me. I taught her everything I knew and kind of took her under my wing my senior year in high school. At the time I was dating a guy that I worked with but I started to realized different feelings I had towards both of them. I would tell myself that it was nothing and that I just needed to ignore it. After a few months those feelings didn't go away and they just grew stronger. I started to have feelings for Kaylee that I have never felt with any guy that I dated. I guess the way to describe me is bisexual. I have been dating Kaylee for 1 year and 2 months. I love her. I don't know if it's wrong or right. I don't know what other people think about it. I don't know how my parents will react when I tell them that I'm spending the rest of my life with her. I don't know if they will ever accept me again or love me the way that they use to. But the one thing that I do know and that gets me through every day no matter what is knowing that I have found the love of my life. That I love her more than life and that she loves me too. If you find true love don't take it for granted. Live life to the fullest . Don't waste a day wondering if you can make it in this life. I have Kaylee and I love her and if someone thinks it's wrong just because we're the same sex then they don't know what love is. It shouldn't matter who you love or what they are or what they look like or what they believe the fact that you found love in this world is a miracle and you shouldn't waste it.
Well this is getting pretty long and I'm gonna need something to talk about next time I'll just leave you with that for now.
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